BEGINNINGS CHANGE

The lonesome lap
The lonesome lap

I ate, walked about, browsed for pictures I liked on Tumblr, read on weight loss, skin and hair health, viewed and reviewed facebook profiles, listened over and over again to the songs I loved for about one year. I would have died may be or ended up in mental asylum, if it were not for the internet. I love u WWW. Almost one year had passed and I still felt the same, empty, numb, question-less, answerless and distracted. May be different, a little but by a very small magnitude. I met lots of new people who gave me new ideas, who tried their best to make me feel better when I complained about the trying and limiting situation I had put myself in. No difference. People asked me to just follow my passion and build a career. Sad part is I could not .I did not feel like. It seemed so that even if I truly wanted to get there, I probably wouldn’t. Family was the word hanging in my mind yet something was missing and I felt I would be greedy if I went chasing for it again. I had got out of one physical jail to another virtual one. This time it had killed zeal and creativity. Or so it seemed. Confused? Read on folks. I’m just going to tell you about bad luck, introversion and a good start. I believed in the concept that the Universe was a mass of living and observing Consciousness. It knew exactly what to give you and when. That is I believed.I believed that madly until I realized how people thought of me as a fool for talking about this. My wrong judgments about people took a toll on my reputation. My normally introversive image had twisted into a blur of COMPLICATED, TALKATIVE, WEIRD personality. Not that the people who thought so mattered to me but what surprised me was, how much these people could do and say when they hate you. I owe that to myself though. It took me time to realize that people don’t need to be told anything and they need not feel or think the same way you do and being nice was perhaps wrong. That realization set me apart from the rest mentally. No need to explain yourself. No need to worry about people’s opinions. They will Talk ANYWAY. They want to talk about you. Because weird or different, you seem to stand out. Intentional or not, you are a separate entity of your own. Mentally independent. Now that is a Good thing. Only when you distance yourself you can understand who really get you or not. Everybody  whom you hangout with can’t be  your friends can they?. Whether the fault lay with you or them, distance was not a bad thing. It was good. No harm done.

INTROVERSION:

Now coming to Introversion. No man was fully an introvert nor an extrovert said somebody. Situations make you introverted or extroverted. The decision to be this or that way may be conscious or naturally forthcoming. Introverts are deep thinkers, they say so. So introverts think. Where do the thoughts go?. It obviously transforms their face into a serious mould they often sport. They are often lost in their own world. WORLD is what you call it. THOUGHTS , that is how they call them. The thoughts become the foundation of creativity. Some paint, some write poems, some talk to people they feel they are comfortable with.They keep finding a medium of expression not because they want to show off but because that’s the only way they can empty themselves of surfacing thoughts. So a writer is essentially an introvert or they have to be, atleast while they write. Their conversations would be information yielding or deriving, simple. You don’t like what they ask or say, you tell them simply to the face. Instead of cursing on their very existence or the way they live. Yes they may be wrong or freaking so TELL “THEM”.Its just a request. Introverts are often empathetic but they connect with people whom they consider are of the same thinking frequency. Well let weird people exist. They do not hurt people, they do  not break hearts or empty your pocket. You don’t like the way they are does not mean THEY SHOULD NOT EXIST. RIGHT?

SO WHY RUN AGAIN?:

Run in the direction of your fear they say. Because otherwise too you would keep thinking about fear. Believing in the same thing that sabotaged you, small or big is risk laden. Especially when most people close to you do not believe you. Well the only question that rose in My mind in context of the life that I live was, “To live normally without zeal, abandoning ambition, being obedient, satisfying what family alone expects of me..how long?”. What if there comes a moment that I want to take a turn around but I find no road ahead?. Now there is the road. I still have me. There is some time though less. I even stopped praying or asking for things because I thought I would only ask for the wrong things. I had abandoned the crazy zeal that had been with me as old as my time with my parents itself. It stood beside me. Now I was abandoning it. Or I thought it was bad for me. I had unfriended it. That was why I felt empty. I waited for winds to change. Some faux-gales passed by.I did not believe the real wind. Why not I think this is a SIGN? why not give it a safe try? It’s a long and short life. Its not that I should never RUN AGAIN. I will walk now. When am sure and get the gut feeling, I will RUN. The final lap to a new journey ahead, into something written for all of us.. DESTINY. Until then, whomsoever believes me or not, I have no bloody choice but to believe in me. So much drama in a tiny head? WAR, LOVE, MURDER and KINDNESS..they begin in the HEAD too….

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